If this was your morning, every morning.
And it continued like this.
If every breakfast time was a unique, individualized horror.
And your commute to work always went something like this.
If this happened to you every time you walked into a room.
And this happened every time you sat down.
If this was the outcome anytime you tried to show off your skills.
If this was how children reacted to you.
And this was what your parents thought of you.
If this happened every time you tried to work out.
And this was you at your office team-building retreat.
If your fundamental inability to understand how a "trust fall" works was always coming back to bite you.
What if you were asked to write up a cool acronym and this is what you came up with?
Or this happened to you every time you got on a trampoline.
What if you forgot how to use commas at the absolute worst moments?
People are always saying, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Ohhhhh" when you walk by.
And this is what happens whenever you try to do yard work.
What if your phone shattered into the shape of two penises touching each other?
And you accidentally got a full back tattoo of Adam Duritz.
And this was the first and only time you attempted to make out with someone.
If every time you used public transportation, you perfectly matched the decor.
And this was your bus ride home every day.
But this happened to you any time you tried to drive a car instead.
If someone filled every doughnut you ever ate with mayonnaise.
If this was your experience every time you tried to get a glass of water?
And after all that, you found out that even your own bed in your own home wasn't safe?
Just remember that things could be way worse. Now be grateful you've escaped all that. Now be this guy.