Saying “I have plans” to get out of other plans, when the only thing you have planned is some R & R.
Using Facebook’s “View As” option to see how your profile looks to your crush.
Finishing family-size servings of junk foods in one sitting.
…while marathoning a show you wouldn’t admit to watching.
Ignoring a text for days* and then saying, “OMG I’m SO sorry, just noticed my reply didn’t go through!”
*or years, as the case may be
Snooping in people’s bathroom cabinets when you’re over at their place.
Careful that you don’t get out-creeped, though.
Starting a “private session” on Spotify and listening to your guilty pleasure song on repeat for six hours.
‘Cause it’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to have me some fun.
“Accidentally” sending your crush a Snapchat that was “meant for a friend, so sorry!”
Your thumb slipped! And it is a total coincidence that you looked so cute and fun!
Deep and unabashed nose-picking.
Lying during “Never Have I Ever” because you don’t want to be the only loser that hasn’t dropped acid or had a threesome on a plane or whatever.
Being home alone = pizza out of the box, wine out of the bottle.
Who needs dishes? Who needs shame?
Sneaking a quick glance through your significant other’s inbox when they leave their Facebook logged in.
Or their phone unlocked.
Scheduling your emails to send at 8 a.m. so your colleagues and professors don’t know you’re a psycho 5 a.m. worker.
Listening to a song on repeat for days so you can memorize the rap and bust it out at parties.
Feeling an overwhelming relief when you get home and realize nobody else is.
Faking it.
Genuinely intending to bake cookies but failing because you started eating the batter. And never stopped.
Watching engagement/wedding videos on YouTube and going through an entire box of Kleenex in an hour.
Pretending to text while actually taking selfies.
Peeing in the shower.
Bonus: jumping in the shower post-poop, when you’re all out of TP.
Abandoning all social norms and grammar rules while in conversation with your best friend.
Claiming to have read books that you’ve actually just read the Wikipedia entry for.
Because has anyone really read Crime & Punishment? You have? Yeah, OK, sure.
And, finally, you’ll never admit to having related to nearly every item on this list.
It’s OK. Nobody has to know.
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