The Ostrich Pillow
You had to know this one was coming... behold the Ostrich Pillow. If a picture’s worth 1,000 words, here's a short essay about how silly you look wearing it.
The only thing less practical than having a tent tied to the outsides of your shoes, is having what appears to be “most of a tent” tied to the outsides of your shoes.
The Air Conditioned Jacket
If you’ve ever thought, “Man, it’s cold outside, I’d better put on a jacket. But what if it gets hot? I don’t want to take that jacket off or my outfit will be ruined…” then this product was made for you.
The B Tourist
At first I was totally on board with this product. I too have felt that after the 7th hour of flying, all I want to do is forcibly slingshot my head into the seat in front of me, effectively ending the monotony and refusing the kicking/crying kid behind me the satisfaction of acknowledging his presence.) Instead, this product is designed to give you 8 unusual inches of vertical privacy, for applications I can’t quite discern.
The Seat Back Organizer
I get it, the allure of having all of your things readily accessible in an organized, easily removed on-the-go device is indeed profound. But you know what would be extra cool? If you put a second strap on it, and could carry it on your back to distribute the load. And then you could have multiple pockets for the different sized objects you’d want to pack. Such a product would revolutionize the lives of the everyday traveler, college students jaunting about Europe, and even school children. If only we had such a thing. Oh wait...
It’s true, airplanes are no where near as sanitary as they could be, but would it really put your mind at ease knowing you had to manhandle your seat and wedge your hands in the worst places to attach your patent-pending Plane Sheet? Plus while the Plane Sheet might protect your pants from butt-germs, it’s going to do virtually nothing for you when your seat-mate decides to sneeze everywhere.
Tugo Luggage Cupholder
This product is clever, except for the fact that almost all carry-ons are notorious for catching on that seam between the carpet and tile in airports and hotels and doing a barrel roll. And when that happens, I’ll be glad my coffee was in my other hand.
I genuinely struggled with trying to figure out what this was for, until I saw the demonstrative picture below. Considering that the addition of the third prong renders this useless for the person who wants to rest without having their head cocked to one side, and makes it take up considerably more space than its elegant doughnut-shaped cousin, I fail to see how this was in any way an improvement on the original design.
The Banana Bunker
Strangely specific products, Batman! I was unaware that we were in a banana-bruising epidemic, but now that the dire situation has been brought to my attention you can rest assured that I’m going to rush right out and spend ~$16 to ensure the integrity of my individual bananas (rather than wasting both a banana and the $0.25 it would take to buy a new one). What a small price to pay for some peace of mind!
The team behind the Humidiflyer would like to propose that the fatigue you feel after flying has nothing to do with the fact that you sat in a confined space for 9 hours, slept during what was technically the middle of the day for you, and are now struggling because your body thinks it’s 4:30 in the morning. No, instead they suggest it’s because you were breathing dry air, and have offered their product as the solution. On the positive, the chances are good that you won’t be bothered by of the other passengers, as most will be trying to figure out what plague you might be bearing that would necessitate the respirator-esque apparatus.
The Renaissance Premium Travel Bidet
I can get behind having another deodorant-sized personal hygiene product in your dopp kit or toiletries bag. But seriously, $80 for a spring-loaded squirt gun for your butt?
The Snazzy Napper
Addressing our three biggest concerns with “mainstream blankets,” the Snazzy Napper: fits securely around your head so you won’t have to worry about it getting pulled away by roughhousing youths, has an opening to enhance your sleep-breathing experience (as well as surely amplifying your snoring so your fellow travelers know not to disturb you), and won’t make you look like a dork at all! Plus, it has “snazzy” in the name, so you know it was made by dads, for dads.
Wenger Giant Knife
I feel as though not calling it “Excalibur” was a missed opportunity. I also feel as though showing it next to a full-sized boot for a size comparison was probably not the greatest marketing choice when trying to assert the "portability" of the thing. But, in the event of an apocalypse, if you needed a tool and had one of these $1400 swiss-overkill-knives lying around, you’d probably be covered (provided you also had the time to flip through all 87 tools to find the right one).
It’s sort of a lunch box that becomes a feeding bag. Coolest. Transformer. Ever.
The Trip Sound Suitcase
I have often thought, “Gee, I wish I could get a suitcase that weighs almost the entirety of my carry on allowance and holds almost nothing, but at the added benefit of also forcing everyone around me to listen to my music.” Now, apparently, I can.
Look out world, this trendy Chinese beach accessory is catching on like wildfire. The facekini is the perfect compliment to your swimsuit, provided your goal was to rob a beach vendor or look like a luchador for your day at the coast.
Perfect for the outdoor traveler who likes to hike until he or she literally can’t move anymore, and then needs to pitch a tent around themselves after collapsing. As an added bonus, the JakPak actually weighs more than a comparable jacket and lightweight 2 person tent.
Metal Detecting Sandals
The concept is simple: Who doesn’t want to find buried treasure abroad while not looking like a weird guy with a metal detector (especially in other countries where that kind of thing is even less socially acceptable)? In execution, however, these highly impractical $60 sandals from Hammacher Schlemmer have an effective range that makes them virtually useless as anything but garish flip-flops, and will probably give other beach-goers the impression that you're escaping house arrest.
The Upright Sleeper
The minds behind The Upright Sleeper have cornered the “but why?” category of the travel market with this truly astonishing product. And it could be yours for the low, low price of $46 dollars (though the ultra-premium satin cover costs extra).
Samsonite Micro Luggage Scooter
“Your flight hit a heavy headwind, and you’ve landed a little behind schedule. You have 15 minutes to deboard and get to the other gate to make your connecting flight. You start to panic, but then you realize your carry-on becomes a scooter, and a wave of relief washes over you”... is what I’m forced to assume the designers of this product were thinking when they decided this was a good idea.
The Slumber Mitt
Described by the company as "a personal travel pillow that fits comfortably onto the users’ hand,” the Slumber Mitt is the perfect solution for anyone who has ever had a problem holding a pillow, or anyone wanting to go to a pillow-fight convention dressed as Hellboy.
If you haven’t heard of the now-infamous “Knee Defenders,” you probably will soon. These little clips attach to the infrastructure of the folding tray table, preventing the person in front of you from reclining their seat. Simple enough, except when the person in front of you realizes what you’ve done, and it sparks a full-on, drink-throwing, profanity-slinging brawl that forces the plane to divert and land in a random city (which actually happened, just last month).