I’ve been searching for months for my girlfriend’s killer…
…but no one will do it.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I was looking at a baseball and trying to figure out why it was getting larger…
…and then it hit me.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
Your wife back, your dog back, and your house back.
How do you know if something is too loud?
What do an obstetrician and a well-written joke have in common?
They both deliver.
I for one….
love Roman numerals.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why do flowerbeds have mulch?
So you can’t see their underplants.
“Push harder!” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you!” she shouted back.
It wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
I ordered a time machine…
…and got a watch.
Why didn’t the Mexican man go bow hunting?
Because he didn’t habanero.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?
It’s apparently making headlines.
How do you win an argument with your zombie girlfriend?
Give her a piece of your mind.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…
…but I don’t know why.
When Vanna White dies…
…do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it will,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”