Discovered a jar full of pee in family room closet. Turns out 7 yr old didn’t want to go to bathroom so was peeing in the jar.
I let my daughter draw all over my back and shoulders with washable marker--then I forgot and ran errands all afternoon that way.
"My daughter's daycare had circle time every morning as a way to start the day. Anyway we were late and walked into the middle of circle time. My daughter said, 'We're late because my mommy had diarrhea.'"
"I went to take a shower while I thought my 2-year-old was napping. The doorbell rang as I got out. I went to answer it and found my neighbor holding my son’s hand. He left the house and was sitting in front of my house in just a diaper."
'‘Do not spray sunscreen in the toaster oven, do not pour a whole bottle of dish liquid in the toilet. Lastly do not pour cooking oil all over the kitchen floor so you can slide around in it.’'
When you invite friends and relatives over to meed the new baby - and the new baby screams the entire time they're there.
As I was discussing finances with a professional (read: important, grown up conversation), my son grabs on to me and starts yelling “My butt hurts, my butt hurts! It has poop in it!”
"My child once approached and overweight woman in a store and congratulated her on eating her entire dinner."
“I was bending down to hug my toddler on his first day of preschool, and as I knelt, in front of all the new parents, my pants ripped wide open!”
When at another child’s birthday party, the host asked me what I would like to drink. My daughter answered, “Mommy will have wine.”
"When I was 5 or 6, we were at my dad's company picnic. I was introduced to his boss and I told him, 'My daddy says you're a son of a -----.' My dad's coworkers fed me ice cream all afternoon."
“I was so hungry and didn’t want to wake my baby, so I sat in the car, in a parking lot, and ate baby food (yuck!) from the jar, accidentally spilling some on my shirt. Right then my old boss pulled up next to me – I had the spoon in my mouth and baby food on my face.”
Finally going on a date with your spouse and some friends after the baby is born, then falling asleep before dessert.
"We were in line at the grocery store when my six-year-old saw a black man and said, "HEY LOOK IT'S OBAMA!" We live in Idaho and don't see many African Americans, but...still..."
When your child bites someone. Anyone. But particularly when it's a doctor or strangers. Yaaaaay.
When your child refuses to do that awesome thing you were just telling people they could do and have been doing quite frequently. Like say "Nana" on the phone.
“My toddler wanted to play with my makeup, so I let her put eye shadow and blush on me. But then I forgot about it … My husband laughed so hard when he got home and I was horrified I had walked around town all day looking like that.”
Your child opens a birthday present at their birthday party and loudly proclaims, "I don't like it!"
Whenever your child ruins something they don't own. Breaks someone else's stuff, draws on someone else's walls, gets food/vomit/poop on someone else's clothing. There's not really a way to make it better.
"When my son was about a year old, he was "painting" the table with guacamole at a Mexican restaurant. The waitress leaned over the table next to us, and he grinned and slapped her on the bottom with his messy hand."
“My daughter dropped her pacifier on the living room floor today. I picked it up and put it back in her mouth without washing it.” (We aren't judging).
"I was taking my granddaughter, 4, back home after she spent the week with me. While in the bathroom at an Applebee's, she cried "I want my mother!" in front of a state trooper. We left the men's room and went to our table, and she was still whimpering. The state trooper came over and asked me for some ID...I guess just doing his job. I explained that she was my granddaughter and that I was taking her home. He then asked my granddaughter if I was her grandfather. She shook her head no. Then added with a big smile, 'He is my Poppy.'"
"At the zoo my son and his friend were running off a lot. So I told them if they ran off that a Gorilla would come out of the trees and get them. It worked!"
"I was so excited to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, that when my daughter was 3 months old, I wore white to a Sunday picnic. Two hours into the picnic, a nine-year-old informed me that I had poop all down my dress, by pointing at me and making loud gagging noises. While, I don’t blame the kid, I do wish he would have stopped doing it after I went home and changed."
"Once, in the middle of the store, my six year old loudly proclaimed "I WANT TO BE A POLE DANCER!"