1

“Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.” - George Carlin

2

Customers arguing that their tattoo is backwards while their artist tries to explain that no, your tattoo is fine, it just looks backwards because that’s how mirrors work

3

Friend of mine showered in cold water for a year cause he never thought of turning the other tap to see what it would do.

4

I used to work for a chatbot app. Our app would text our users every morning with a greeting in a different language, i.e. Hola, Bonjour etc. One day we got blown up by a user saying their account was hacked. She said, “my name is Kim Smith, not Kim Konnichiwa, someone’s hacked my account!”

When we explained that our service has been clearly saying hello to her in other languages every day and that konnichiwa is hello in Japanese and her account was fine, she went on a racist rant and said Disney was behind the destruction of America. Yep.

5

My Dad is a pesticide investigator for the state and heard this on a complaint:

“I set out all these bird feeders and bird baths but not one bird comes to my yard. I bet it is all those pesticides that crop duster is laying down in the field” — local school board member, as they were standing in her 5 acre yard with 20 or more cats running around.

6

“You know the reason you bury a rattlesnake after you kill it is because bees will eat it, then bees can sting people with rattlesnake venom”- guy I heard constantly trying to pick up women on public transit.

7

I worked with a lady who was remarking on how a friend of hers had lost a bunch of weight. She pondered, “I wonder how many diet cokes she had to drink to do that.”

8

I teach 6th grade. One time a parent came to me after trying to help their child with math homework and asked, “What number is x worth? It feels like it changes with every problem!”

9

I worked at a bank. Mobile depositing had just became a “thing”. We received a picture of someones cash for deposit. Yea..

10

A woman I used to work with who insisted that any animal could reproduce with any other animal. She believed that sperm from any animal was the same and that DNA was irrelevant.

She believed this because she once saw some sickly, possibly deformed puppies and decided that they must have been half dog and half rat.

11

Was at a party and someone’s s@#tty old truck got stuck in some mud so instead of sobering up and coming back the next day, he makes a Molotov cocktail with gas and throws it at the truck. The truck caught fire and was completely destroyed.

12

A former coworker was talking about how she wanted to go back to school to get her masters’ degree because she only had a “bachelorette” degree and wanted more job opportunities. I said, “Do you mean a bachelor’s degree?” She INSISTED it was pronounced bachelorette when it was given to a woman.

Then she led me back to her office and pointed at her diploma, to the word Baccalaureate, and said, “SEE?! Bachelorette!”

13

Infantryman was told to trim the hedges. So he lifted the lawnmower. His buddy started it. As a brand new medic, I spent about 6 hours pulling fingermeat from the hedges.

14

I worked at Little Caesars and we were proofing the dough for pizza. My boss said (at 7pm) that the dough needed to rise for 12 hours, and took out her calculator to do the math. So I said ummm that’s gonna be 7am. Then she said the dough will expire in 48 hours and started doing the math again. I told her it would expire two days from now, and she said “that’s kinda weird how that works out huh?”

I quit shortly after that.

15

People that cut holes in their masks “because it’s easier to breathe.”

16

The fact Florida had to tell people NOT to shoot at the hurricane.

17

The woman that called into a radio station to complain about the deer crossing signs on a highway saying that the deer will see the sign and consider this place a safe place to cross the road.