“My friend was wondering…”
“Hot singles in your area want to bang you”
"Someone ALWAYS being the victim in EVERY story. And if you question it it just pisses them off"
"Any sappy photo on FB with a caption like “they don’t think their picture will get any Likes, let’s prove them wrong!”
I scroll past that nonsense so fast, I get friction burns."
"My phone ringing. 99% of the time it’s a scammer."
"“You don’t need to count the money, I already did it” from customers.
Yeah, now I’m really gonna count it."
"Message from that girl who called you fat and ugly in high school:
Hey girl! Long time no speak anyway, how would you like to make money at home and loose weight you’ll be an excellent member of my team PM me hun, I only have three spaces left for gorgeous babes to join my team xxoo SO HURRY!"
"When a potential client says, “Our budget for this first one is almost nothing, but if this one goes well, we hope to get some funding and can do a bunch more with a real budget”."
“I’m a nice person, trust me.”
“All my ex’s are psychos”
"“Buy our healing vagina eggs that are used to balance hormones, increase bladder control, regulate menstrual cycles and prevent uterine prolapse.”
Of course they prevent prolapse. Nothing can fall out once you’ve got a chunk of gravel launched up there"
"Job postings that ask for people who “thrive in high pressure situations.” Literally nobody thrives in those situations. We get through them if we have to, but that’s it."
"One-uppers. It almost always instantly gives away that someone is full of [email protected]#t."
“I normally wouldn’t date someone your age, but you are so mature”
"Someone talking like they know everything and that quote was from a YouTube video"
"Referring to oneself as an “influencer”"
"I’m a martial artist, and have been my entire life. Legit martial artists don’t brag, they don’t go out looking for fights and they almost always try to do their best to defuse a situation instead of letting it escalate to fisticuffs.
Now… if you meet someone that says one of the following:
-I had to register my hands as deadly weapons
-I’ve been trained in techniques that are too dangerous to demonstrate on someone
-I have black belts in every martial art ever. (Or they mention a black belt in a martial art that doesn’t actually HAVE belts like Muay Thai for example)
-OH, if I had to fight that guy, I’d do (insert silly martial arts lingo) and he’d be helpless!
Chances are, that person couldn’t beat a drum."
"When someone claiming to be a veteran says their dd-214 is classified"