"You don’t realize how much of an honor it is to be invited to a wedding until you create your own wedding guest list"
"The bigger someone’s favorite number gets, the weirder it is"
"It’s more acceptable to tell someone to go to hell than to tell them to end themselves."
"You have to fake sleep before you can real sleep."
"An entire generation of people are growing up believing that tipping options for takeout are the norm."
"The Lord of the Rings is a heist movie."
"There’s a generation of kids who grew up with Internet without ever touching a keyboard and mouse in their lives"
"You can pretend to be asleep, but you can’t pretend to be awake."
"It’s ironic that the part of anatomy that many find most attractive is the same area that does something that most people find disgusting."
"The taste of cola is almost impossible to explain"
"You don’t have any proof that other people can’t read your mind."
"Pirates are perhaps the world’s most celebrated criminals."
"Bread, cheese and vegetables make a socially acceptable breakfast, but pizza weirdly doesn’t"
"A frying pan is one of the only weapons that becomes more lethal when you turn it sideways from how people normally swing it."
"The internet both almost killed off the postal service, then made it more needed than ever"
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