“We were 20 when we got married and have been married for 48 years. It has its ups and downs, just like any relationship. It takes work. It takes compromise and love. … My advice before getting married: Don’t believe you can change your spouse. You don’t have magical powers to change someone, so either love them as they are or don’t get married.”
“Yes, some of my spouse’s habits that I find annoying — he’s a ‘pack rat’ for one — he has tried to improve. And I will try to work on those that annoy him. But we are who we are, and our ingrained habits aren’t going to change for anyone.“
“When it comes to opposites attract, I believe it’s really surface only — the parts that too many people care about, funnily enough. My husband and I have many of the same CORE values, such as religion, political views, money, communication, etc. Where we differ is so silly, it doesn’t matter.”
“You look at us together, and you’d swear we are not married based on looks alone. We love different hobbies and have some different food preferences. Still, we’ve also grown together with some things, and our interests have kept us talking about different things, so it’s never boring. You don’t have to be two peas in a pod, but you also don’t have to be chalk and cheese. Like damn near everything in life, there is a balance. Some similar people work, like my best friend and her man. Some polar opposites work. Regardless, you must keep thriving as individuals and have your own things but still come together at the end.”
“People say you have to work hard at marriage, but the truth is that if you have to work ‘hard’ at it, your marriage will not last. A happy marriage goes on day by day, with both parties acting like a team. You wouldn’t make an unfair life for your teammate; you don’t cheat on your teammate or lie. Every decision becomes about the team’s needs, not just yourself.”
“If your marriage feels like hard work, you won’t want to be in it. You will inevitably want out if there are no rewards — only a long, slow, resentful slog.”
“Sex doesn’t just happen. Schedule time for sex. Morning. Evening. Nooner. Whatever works for you, your partner, and your schedules. Otherwise, you can look over the dinner table and think ‘when was the last time we…?’ and neither of you will remember.”
“Sex does not have to end in mutual orgasms. Sometimes it’s about them. Sometimes you. Enjoy it either way — without keeping score.”
“I married my best friend and lover. I expected those feelings to last forever. It’s only been 56 years, and I don’t see any change except getting older. Perhaps the myth, for us, is that marriages become dull and stale after many years.”
“I knew marriage wasn’t all fun and games and that it was more than a ring with a shared living space. What I learned is that it takes communication, honesty, and willingness not to be embarrassed to share yourself and/or how you feel about something with your spouse. Marriage also needs a strong understanding and relationship with yourself to prepare for this lifetime commitment.”
“You grow up seeing your parents’ marriage as ‘normal,’ and that’s your expectation for your marriage. But your spouse’s ‘normal’ may be completely different. Your marriage isn’t going to look like either set of parents or anyone else’s. Your marriage will be what you and your spouse build.”
“A sense of humor, allowing each other to be who you are, encouraging each other’s goals, supporting each other’s down times, loving the other person even when you don’t like them at that given moment has gotten us to 48 years of marriage. And I love him more than ever, even when he aggravates me.”
“Once married, you don’t both go off and live your lives. Relatives come into the picture and make life complicated.”
“Throw out the idea of ‘unconditional love.’ Of course, love comes with conditions: respect, gentleness, empathy, partnership, kindness. Expecting a partner to endure abuse because love is ‘unconditional’ is the quick road to divorce.”
“Myth: That love solves every problem, and that marriage means you’ll always agree and spend all your time together. Reality: Love and marriage require work and honest communication. There are two individuals in a marriage, and both have to commit to sharing the ups and downs of life.”
“That having sex with the same person for the rest of your life will become ‘boring.’ Yes, libidos will change as you age, but that’s the same for everyone regardless of their marital status. If you enjoy sex with your spouse at the start of your relationship (and I hope you do), then you’ll enjoy it throughout your marriage!”
“Couples who complain that they have a sex problem later in life are usually covering up a much larger problem that they aren’t willing to address.”
“‘Don’t go to sleep mad at each other’ is the worst advice I ever got. Just be adults and talk about it when you’re ready. If you or your partner are not ready, provide them the space, respect their temporary privacy, and let them approach you. Just let them know that you’re ready to hear them when they’re ready to talk.”“Most of the time, it’s nothing you did, but keeping your partner awake just causes them to be mad at you.”
“Been married for 33 years, together for 35. The most common misconception about marriage, I believe, is that marriage should be 50/50. There are times that I carry his weight and there are times he carries mine. I hate picking up dog poop and other bodily functions of our dogs, so he deals with that.”
“He dislikes cleaning the bathrooms, so I do that. He cooks, and I do dishes. Find your strengths in your relationship.“
“That getting married to your first love at 18 will ‘never’ work out — 23 years later married to my first love at 18 (through so there were many ups and downs). I still love that SOB as much as that lost 17-year-old girl did. This life has been about cultivating a friendship between lovers who actually like each other”
“That marriage changes your relationship. Your relationship is your relationship, whether you put a ring on it or not. Signing a paper doesn’t change who you are.”
“The level of passion is not a good indicator of a successful marriage. I married for passion the first time, and it was awful. I married someone I liked and respected the second time and who returned those feelings. We’ve lasted 25 years so far, and our love has only grown deeper. I still like and respect him!”
“People say, ‘You’re not the person I married! You changed!’ like it’s a bad thing or they didn’t expect that to happen. The truth is, we all change throughout our lives. The person you marry at 30 is not the same person you will be married to at 40, 50, 60, etc. Life happens, and people evolve. To expect your spouse to never change is unrealistic. Before you get married, just know that you will both change several times over the years.”
“Kids do not equate to a happy marriage on their own. In fact they can be quite the opposite. The key is to learn and understand that the path you laid out for yourselves is gone once kids are involved. Some can’t get past that, and it almost hurt our marriage. The key then is to understand together that you’re on a new path — but one that must also maintain the pre-kid foundations.”
“The sooner you can understand this, the sooner you can adjust to the new post-kid reality, ensuring that while you’re making marital sacrifices, you’re not losing sight of your life pact with your partner.“
“That he would change after you get married. There were so many ‘red flags’ that I ignored and thought he would change once he was married (or grew up more). Actually, most ‘red flags’ have gotten worse. We’ve been married for over 30 years, but I still wonder at times…what was I thinking? Listen to your intuition (gut) and don’t think they’ll change because you are getting married.”
“You have no idea what it’s going to be like. You have no idea what’s going to happen to you, how you’re going to grow and change, or what the world will throw at you. You have no idea if one of you will get seriously ill and almost die — or actually die. You have no idea if working at your relationship will work or not. I don’t say this to scare anyone off, but to warn the confident and reassure the scared.”
“It can go so many ways. If you get married, marry someone who will be ready for anything.”
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Amen!