"Germophobes avoiding stair hand rails replace the small risk of germs with the relatively larger risk associated with falling down stairs."
"Randomly hearing your favorite song on the radio is more satisfying than playing it directly from your ipod."
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human version of “Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?”
"Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it’d be insulting."
"What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we’re here but they’ve agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves."
"If I get up 10 minutes earlier than usual, I treat it like 2 extra hours and end up late for work."
"If someone offered to pay for my food and rent for the next 18 years, I’d do anything they ask of me. But I complained every time I took the trash out while living at my parent’s house."
"Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969."
"Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers."
"Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters."
"I’ve woken up over 10,000 times and I’m still not used to it."
"When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription, they’re just admitting they were overcharging me."
"Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going to work everyday."
"Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday."
"“DO NOT TOUCH” would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille."
"We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same."
"People who are goodlooking but have terrible personalities are basically real life click baits."
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Except that one time a woman asked me to get the last pizza from the bottom of a freezer. She was so fat she couldn't reach down for it. All I could think is for her to maybe leave the pizza alone?
#5 the last uncontested tribes is an island in India, not the America's. And Yes I'm sure they are waiting for signs we won't kill them instantly, like the Indian tribe (American no longer call our natives "Indian" because of this confusion)