"My husband is a repair technician working on their fridge."
"Can't believe my view on the plane."
"Entire library is empty. Random girl came and sat RIGHT next to me."
"My cousin and her kid are staying with us for a while, and this is what she usually gives her 5-year-old son for breakfast."
"We all know about 'shrinkflation.' Can I coin the term 'trickflation?'"
"Someone dared to put their foot on my arm rest on a flight."
"Took my parents out to dinner for my birthday but they leave every 30 minutes to smoke."
"My wife found this in the break room today."
"Received a paw print after putting our cat down. This is not our cat. Our cat is a polydactyl and has five toes in her back paws."
"My boyfriend can't make anything for himself."
"What my roommate bought for her turn to replace the dish soap."
"My mother-in-law sterilized my daughter's bottles in a pot of boiling water."
"I found this note in the elevator at my hotel."
"I had an exam."
"My house burned down two months ago, and I'm in a fight with the insurance company. My neighbor has concerns."
"The 'suggested tips' section on the receipt from the hipster bar we were just at."
And finally, "My husband said he stopped pissing off the deck at night..."
Happy friggin' Birthday, ffffffffaggot. 
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