"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
“People tell me I’m condescending…”
Leans in real close
“That means I talk down to people. “
I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
I have an L shaped couch… Lower case.
You’ve gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
You’d have to be really low to pickpocket a midget.
Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I was so surprised when the stationary store moved
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex, last night, she called me from the motel.
I need constant reassurance, right?
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning? All the red flags.
Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as I thought i was?
Alcoholics don’t run in my family – they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
I deleted all my German friends from my phone
Now it’s hans free.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I knew this guy who opened an origami business… but then it folded.
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Me: I don’t think you’re acting.
That was 14 years ago and I am still married
You're married, unfortunately to different people.