You aren't being pooped on by a flock of seagulls.
The birds, not the amazing band.
You didn't wake up to an obstacle course on your floor.
You're not making out with someone while a cat's on your back, and taking a photo of it.
You can throw a baseball farther than this athlete.
At least you're not a creep reading Playboy in a crowded airport!
You didn't post this to Facebook.
And you didn't ask this question on Tumblr.
You didn't reveal exactly how lonely you are with a twitpic.
You didn't make this epic mistake.
At least your legs don't turn to spaghetti when trying to buy beer.
You're a much better pole dancer than this goddess.
You don't have this tramp stamp.
Or this typo that can't be erased.
You aren't trying to survive a rain storm in this double poncho.
You don't have an Easter basket attached to your head.
You didn't jump off of a trampoline and shatter a slide while being videotaped.
You're not part of the most epic non high five of all time.
You aren't any of these people.
Your family didn't make you paint your face and pose as one of the colors of the rainbow.
These aren't your parents.
And your mother didn't own you over text.
At least you're not this fedora-loving man.
Your license plate won't terrify children.
You know how the difference between dognuts and doughnuts.
You aren't rocking this look on your commute.
This isn't your OkCupid profile.
And neither is this.
When you steal a guitar, you know there's a better way than this...
You don't have this wish stealing brother by your side.
Kobe Bryant didn't just let you know that he gives zero fucks about what you're saying.
You didn't just have all of your swag shaved off.
You didn't just lose your self-respect.
And you probably know the answer to this, because you have basic common sense.