I used to work as a carpenter’s assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you’ll ever need.
One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: “A real carpenter doesn’t need more than a 16 ouncer!”
I replied, “You’ve been listening to your wife too much.”
“Huh?”
“She’s been telling you size doesn’t matter, right?”
One of the greatest comebacks ever witnessed was from a friend of mine who had blacked out drunk on the sofa at a party and had been basically unconcious for over an hour.
Other friend walks in and lets us know that some of the girls we know are coming, one who my friend didn’t like.
He shouts out “Hey Chris, your girlfriend will be here soon”
He rolls over eyes still closed and grumbles out “I didn’t know your mum went out this late.”
Rolls over back to sleep.
Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.
Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I’m not huge fans of) and one girl said “Hey, how’s your job picking up dog shit?”. I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn’t have a job and is working on her “music career”….
I responded with, “Good. Speaking of dog shit, how’s your music career going?”
Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
I was working in retail and we had the really long line of people waiting to check out. I worked in a very upscale neighborhood (think: major league sports, well known attorneys, etc).
Some lady comes running from the back of the line and screams at me “I CANT WAIT IN THIS LINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT I AM??!!”
I, tired of everyone’s shit that day, retorted: “if you were so damn important, you’d pay someone to stand in this line like the REALLY important customers.”
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, ” Are they going to get married? I’m just not ready to be a Great Grandmother.”
“Well, you could try being a good one, first.”
I’m big guy, 6’6″ 270ish lbs and this happened about 2 years ago. I was grocery shopping with my wife and went looking for something that was on the list, I don’t remember what. I was heading up one of the aisles when I crossed paths with a shorter dude that was obviously on some type of upper. He was bouncing all over the place looking for something.
He noticed me as I passed him and he stops and says, “Wow, you’re a big fella.”
I reply, “Yes I am.” I constantly get this remark.
As I’m continuing by him he states, “I could take you though.”
I stopped and put a surprised look on my face and exclaimed, “Really?! All 12 inches?!”
His face went red, “Fuck you.”
I smiled at him and said, “That’s the spirit!”
He mumbled something and walked away. That was probably my best comeback ever.
My older brother was trying to make fun of me in front of his friends for being really grossed out by sex and anything of that nature in my early teens.
He said check this out: “tits, big dick, ass, vagina” Trying to gross me
Seeing as he was a big chubby I said “the only thing you have on that list is tits”
Came out of nowhere.
Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, “oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?”
I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered “By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery.”
Friends out between bars, a bit tipsy, we stop to talk to a acquaintance (girl). My friend gets closer to her and sniffs. “You smell like men”
Without missing a beat, she replies:
“I’m lucky I didn’t get close to you, or I’d smell like a pussy”.
This happened more than 10 years ago and we still remember it from time to time.
Friend: We need to measure out 12 inches. I know we’ll use my dick!
Me: You got 12 of them?
As students, a group of townies were shouting abuse at us. My buddy shouted abuse back and one of them said “you’re playing a dangerous game – do you know who my Dad is?”
My friend responded, “No – do you?”
Guy walks into my bar with brown robes on I ask “what’s with the robes, you just get out of a Renaissance faire?”
He replies”no I’m a Carmelite priest”
I exclaim”I’ll be damned”
He answers “I hope not”
He totally got me in front of whole bar.
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, “Hello?” and she immediately said, “I just want you to know that I’m having much better sex now.”
I replied with, “… Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!” and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
Playing hockey growing up meant you always had to be on your toes when it came to chirping. I was maybe 17 at the time, and it was November, so everyone was trying to grow the dustiest moustaches they could. Mine was pretty gnarly, patchy and inconsistent.
I line up next to another forward on a face off and he looks at me and says “You should wipe those pubes off your face” in reference to my stache, which was a well deserved chirp no doubt. But yah boy here had been practising your mom jokes, as all teens do, so I hit em back with the “It’s not my fault your mom doesn’t shave her pussy”.
Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over.
Him – Well, I guess this means I’m counting on you now!
Me – Don’t worry Dad: I won’t let you down!
He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much.
This wasn’t a comeback, but a witty burn for sure. On the bus in high school, a girl (who frequently annoyed me with her loud story telling) was telling everyone about how she was getting hit on by one of the trash collectors while waiting for the bus.
Typically I was the quiet kid who kept to myself, but this time I chimed in with “I think he was just trying to do his job…”
One guy yelled at me ‘Suck my dong!’
I replied ‘I’d need a straw to do that.’
Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state “One coupon per purchase”. After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threateneing a lawsuit (lol).
As he was heading for the door, he said “You can’t afford to mess with me!” I shouted after him, “You can’t afford a large pizza!”
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