"I told my doctor, “I broke my arm in three places.” He told me that I should stop going to those places."
"A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen.
A little while later the dog says “job’s done, all 40 sheep accounted for”
“40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40” the farmer says.
The dog replied “I know, I rounded them up”"
"Guy goes to the doctor, says “Doctor! Everything hurts! I don’t know what to do!”
Doctor says, “Go ahead and touch your knee for me.”
Patient does it. “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “Okay, now touch your wrist.”
Patient: “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “Now touch your cheek.”
Patient: “Ow, that hurts!”
Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”"
"Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel?” Pirate says, “I dunno, but arrrgggh, it’s driving me nuts!”"
"Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter."
"What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
The taste."
"A limbo champion walks into a bar.
She was disqualified!"
"What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor…"
"Do you know who’s been through a lot of sh#t but are still together?
My buttcheeks"
"The doctor says to the patient: “Sir, you really need to stop masturbating.”
“Why, does it cause blindness?”
“No, but I’m trying to examine you.”"
"What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2"
"Took my kids to the zoo and all they had was this little dog. It was a Shih Tzu."
"One day, a man is waxing the car with his son.
His son looks up and says, “You know you can use a rag for this, right?”"
"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, “Thank you.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.”"
"Why doesn’t Oedipus use foul language?
He kisses his mother with that mouth."
"Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in a jar of glitter?
Pretty nuts, right?"
"I’ll never date another tennis player. Love means nothing to those people."
"What’s the difference between an owl, a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish
What about the owl?
Who?"
"Doctor goes to write a note, and pulls a thermometer from his pocket.
He says “Great, some asshhole has my pen.”"
"What’s the number one cause of dry skin?
Towels"
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#4 It's just: "Arrrr, it drives me nuts." Shorter punchlines work better.
21. to a pirate- What's your favorite letter? Lemme guess... it's 'R' right?
pirate- Nay, me first love be the 'C'
22. Mexican guy has two penises and he named one Jose. What did he name the other one? Hose B.
22. Guy walks into a bar, and says "Ow!"
There's phrase 'elephant in the room' that refers to something controversial of which everyone is aware but nobody wants to mention.