Ben-Hur
“Why even bother remaking a timeless classic.”
Poltergeist
“If Sam Rockwell can’t rescue it, you know it’s dogsh#t”
Point Break
“It’s fine if you want to enjoy a bit of stunt porn. The action sequences are all well done. They all hang, however, on a loose skeleton of the Point Break story using the names of the original characters. The biggest departure from the original story, the fact that Johnny Utah is an amateur who doesn’t know what he’s doing, is the worst transgression because it eliminates any tension that the JU of the remake will fail.”
The Karate Kid
“The Stupid Kung Fu Kid.”
Red Dawn
“I watched Red Dawn the other day. I’d say, “Red Dawn holds up,” and then I kept getting asked ‘which one.’ Being that that’s highly offensive I’ve cut people out of my life. Swayze forever.”
Ghostbusters
“Although I did enjoy Chris Hemsworth as the receptionist. Common sense disclaimer: I’m 100% okay with females as leads etc., this was just a bad movie.”
A Nightmare on Elm Street
“What an absolute dog sh#t remake that has set the franchise back for over a decade now.”
The Wicker Man
“The Wicker Man is a different beast of a bad movie completely. You get to see Cage in a bear costume run around decking women in the face. The absurdity of how that plays out is worth the price of admission. I think if you know you are getting into some bat sh#t crazy absurdity and incompetence before you see the movie, then you can enjoy the spectacle for what it is.”
Flatliners
“Genuinely the worst movie I’ve ever seen. So incredibly stupid.”
The Lion King
“All the live-action Disney remakes, but especially the soulless The Lion King remake.”
White Men Can’t Jump
“You don’t f@#k with Wesley Snipes movies.”
Oldboy
“It’s horrible compared to the original, which is f@#king amazing.”
Planet of the Apes
“I was so excited to see that. I went with my wife and saw it in the theater. I looked so let down walking out of the theater that she couldn’t stop laughing. Any time this movie comes up she still, 25 years later, bursts out laughing remembering how disappointed I was. In fairness, it had a great trailer. BOW YOUR HEAD!”
Total Recall
“Honorable mention for Total Recall. Which in many ways has more in common with the book than the original movie. Does not change the fact that it’s mind-numbing bland garbage.”
Psycho
“Psycho wasn’t so much a remake as a colorized scene for scene rewatch. Why they greenlit it, I have no idea.”
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory / Charlie and the Chocolate
“Tim Burton’s movie is more accurate to the book with certain details, but it also gives Wonka a weird origin story about his father being a dentist that was nowhere in the books. The music in Tim Burton’s film is worse and the costume/character designs are abysmal, especially the oompa loompas.”
Robocop
“I fell asleep in the theater. I asked my friend what I missed because I was out for 20 minutes and he said nothing.
That pretty much sums up that movie.”
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.and I want those 2 hours back!