"One time I said I wish I could swim in the air & my friend said “You mean flying?”"
"I said it would be nice if we had a “mirror app”!"
"“If there are adult diapers, why aren’t there adult strollers?”
My husband, looking at me like he regrets ever meeting me: “you mean wheelchairs??”"
"Not too much ice please, don’t wanna water it down. (It was literally just a cup of ice water)"
"“You hit me in the cervix!” I am a man. I meant sternum. Still have to shake that memory out of my head sometimes"
"Claimed that the slowest animal is probably an enema. I misspoke and meant to say anemone. I’ll never forget the looks of confusion from my coworkers"
"I was on a long train trip, gazing out the window, when I said to my friend: “I feel like every railroad crossing gate we’ve passed since I’ve been looking has been down… what are the odds…”
I have a PhD (not in trains)."
"Got introduced to identical twins. First thing I said was “wow, how can you guys tell each other apart?”"
"I genuinely got Freddy mercury and Eddie Murphy mixed up during a conversation
“Eddie Murphy? That’s the singer for queen right?”"
"My girlfriend asked me to put her clothes in the dryer and I got irritated and said “well where are they???”"
"Me to the lady that I thought looks like me (as I was in passing): “Oh hey! It looks like we could be twins!”
My reflection: …..
It had been a long shift."
"My boss asked me to print an address label for some documentation they had to mail out.
My printer was out of ink so I told her I was unable to print said label/mail the document out in time
….she then explained that I could just write it by hand.
Smrt."
"I was at a job interview for a baking job. The Interviewer asked me if I know how to bake. I told her no but I can read.
Meaning I can follow the directions of a recipe."
"What’s a chocolate bar? A lady told me that she loved chocolate bars and I pictured a bar that serves chocolate instead of booze for a moment, and then I felt very stupid."
"I was in grade 1, had a Canadian girl come to my school, sprung up a friendship. Looked her dead in the eyes and asked. “What swear words do you know in Canadian” she tried to tell me multiple times it was the same words and I refused to believe her. I toss and turn at night knowing she probably tells people that now."
"I was at home in my apartment alone and cleaning up and realized I hadn’t plugged the vacuum in. “Come on John,” I said out loud to myself, which was weird since I never talk to myself out loud, and the worst part was it came out, “C’mon Jnonn”
Like how do I call myself by name and then pronounce it wrong"
"What is the name of the dog from schobby doo"
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(vieux is a dutch drink)