"I asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s.
She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me
I was 9"
"A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch porn”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard."
"Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a [email protected]$$ and intimidate my buddy. He says”my feet are registered”. Without missing a beat my friend replies”Where? Health & Sanitation?”. Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind."
"A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: „Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody [email protected]#king cares.“"
"I used to work with this like 70 year old woman, she was our supervisor, and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to “kiss my @$$” and the old lady replied “where do I start, you’re so fat your crack goes all the way up your back”"
"A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, “Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife’s bottom.” The friend also rubs his head and says, “Wow – you’re right.”"
"Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”"
"Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait.
He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”"
"During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, “Shoot twice and go home.”"
"I was the one insulted, but not the one with the comeback. I was out with a co-worker and her friends and my buddy and I were leaving a little too early for her sensibilities. She jokingly got up in my face and said, “Smell that? Smells like p#$$y.” A guy playing at the pool table next to us stepped forward and said, “I’m sorry, that must be me. I just ate.” It was amazing."
"A friend of mine was getting b#tched at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said “if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?” That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session."
"One of my co-workers was cold-calling customers, trying to get appointments to drum up business. One of them told him to, “go [email protected]#k his hand,” and he responded with “I’ve got that penciled in for 3. I should be done by 4 if you’d like to come in for an appointment then?” The guy laughed his @$$ off, and ended up coming in for the appointment."
"My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered
“If you’d lose some weight, you could do it yourself.”
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered “I’m thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately…”
He replied “You’re going to cut off your foot?”"
"My grandma asked my cousin, who’d had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It’s not the same nowadays. We don’t buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don’t let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny."
"In middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his……
I’m still really proud of that one"
"My grandma got into a fight at the grocery store with a guy who told my 9 year old brother to “move the [email protected]#k out of the way.” They were going at it and his final words were “suck my d#ck, b#tch!”
She said across the store “if I could find it, b#tch!”"
"I was [email protected]#tting with a couple of buddies, and may have suggested that I banged one of their moms, to which said friend replied, “my mom’s dead.”
My mouth bypassed my brain and replied, “that explains the dirt.”"