"About 25 years ago I was explaining time zones to a 20ish year old intern at a large scientific agency. She wasn't getting it, so i got an orange I brought for lunch and used it as the Earth.
Me: Ok, pretend this is the Earth. The sun only shines on one side, so it's day on approximately half at any given time. Now since the Earth rotates (as i spin the orange)...
Intern: So wait. Hold on. So you're saying the Earth is round?
I wish i was joking."
""If you're an atheist, why don't you go around killing people?" I'm worried now that there are people out there who would just casually kill, but don't because they're scared of hell."
"Why are you spying on me?
I was working in a call center for Dish Network and a guy called in, very upset. He wanted to know why Dish Network was spying on him. I tried to let him know that we were not in fact spying on him. Which he countered with, "if you are not spying on me then why is there a camera in the damn box?" "Sir, a camera? There is no camera in the receiver" I respond. "Yes there is" he screams "I know there is because I can see everything happening in my room on the TV right now."
I sat there and pondered that statement, trying to figure out what was happening. I asked, "sir, is your TV off right now?" In the background I hear the clear sound of a TV being turned on. I then said, "sir, that is called a reflection. Is there anything else I can help you with?" He hung up."
"Before I got married my doctor asked me...
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Doctor: Are you married?
Doctor: Then how can you be sexually active?"
"Why do we need farmers when we have supermarkets. Heard this in real life and blew my mind"
"I used to be a tour guide in a cave and one summer we had a running contest among the guides to see who could get the dumbest question. Keep in mind, we only accepted questions from adults for entry into the contest. Some of the finalists were:
"Is this cave underground?"
"Will the stalagmites bite me?"
"Are the steps natural?"
"What time is the 4.30 tour?"
And the winner: "Does the water go all the way around the island?""
"Are you sure that's how you spell your name"
""Do you work here?"
No, ma'am, I just... felt like stealing a work vest and working this shoe pallet for giggles."
"Someone asked me why I have a dark skinned baby if I'm white and couldn't comprehend how it is possible that my daughter is mixed race"
"One of my best friends came to visit me in the hospital when i had my baby. i was laying there with my newborn and there was a banana on a tray next to the bed. he asked, “has he had lunch yet? is that for him?” everyone in the room just cackled so hard that i almost felt bad"
""What's that yellow stuff?"
Fire. It was fire."
"I'm half Inuit. In 6th grade I did a social studies project on Inuit people/lifestyles. During my presentation, I brought up the fact that I'm half Inuit and pointed out different things my grandmother was teaching me. A boy in the class the goes "how can you be an indian?? I thought they were like.. extinct""
"Repairing the scanner scale at a grocery store. I have the scale out of the checkstand, on it's side, bottom removed from the scale, one of the circuit boards removed from the scale and placed on the conveyor belt, I have JUST removed the board that the spinner part connects to (that spinning mirror thing in the bottom of the scanner scale), and someone walks up to the checkstand, places items onto the conveyor and asks "Are you open?"
I should be allowed to throw things at people this dumb."
"Was in a maternity class with my wife. One of the husbands was an endless source of amazing comments. My favorite was while on the topic of breastfeeding. “So do you just poke holes in them or what?” There was a very long, very shocked pause from the instructor before she explained it to him."
"Working on a tourist sightseeing boat on the ocean in Alaska. Person asks me what elevation we are at. I look down at the ocean and back to them and say, about 10 feet"
"Is the blue part on a map the sky or the water?"
"Holding my cat while outside. “Is that a cat?” “Why yes, yes it is”"
"I was having a disagreement with a customer in the workplace.
At one point she said “why would I be arguing with you if I was wrong?”.
I mean….what do you say after that?"
"I had the neighbors by for a quick chat a few years ago, and we happened to be standing by our goat pen, we had three at the time. For whatever reason, people don't really see goats as pets, and I'm often asked about their purpose, are they meat, etc.
Well, this guy asked if I milked them. I explained that they're all retired breeding males.
He followed that up by asking again if we milk them, and was so affronted by the look I could not help giving him that he left in a huff. I didn't mean to be rude, but I definitely looked at him as if he were an idiot and he was smart enough, at least, to figure that out."
"In retail "Where is the paint in this stupid store? I was sent down here and they lied! " "Right behind you (literally dozens of paint cans 8 feet behind her) " "No they're not!" I walk past her and put my hand on the can, took her a good 10 seconds of ranting to accept the paint was infact there."
"When people notice one of my tattoos "You know they are permanent Right?" Like sh#t I had no idea, if only I had known you before I got it"
"This is second hand from a diving guide in Bermuda: "how far do you have to dive to get under the island?""
"After trying to pull my hair off:
Stranger: It's not a wig!?
Me: Uhhh no, it's my hair
Stranger: I thought maybe it was a wig because of cancer or something."
"What can I take for internal bleeding?
Answer: Hospital man. We’re just a f@#king pharmacy, not a trauma unit."
"A friend of a friend found out during a party that I was serving in the US Army Reserve asked me if I had ever killed anyone.
No, I'm not combat arms and I've never even deployed.
Seriously stop asking ANY service member this stupid ass question unless you want a stupid ass answer back."
“Do the chicken lettuce wraps have chicken in them?”
"Once my mom had to have part of a lung removed due to cancer. Afterwards, the doctor showed us the imaging that showed the remaining cancer spread through the rest of her lungs, which we already knew about. My dad asked him why they didn't remove all of her lungs."
"“What was it like to grow up in a third world country?” My step grandmother the first time I met her after moving to the the US from Canada..."
"Continents would float away if they weren't anchored down, right?"
”Why don’t they schedule New Year’s Eve so that it’ll always be on a Monday?”
"Is Thailand in Alaska."
"“Is that your baby?” I was breastfeeding at the time."
"Why does apple juice taste like apples?"
"I worked at an ice cream store and someone came in, looked at the ice cream cone I was handing to someone then looked at me and asked "what kind of soups do you have""
"A lady asked if the bubble lights on the Christmas tree were "filled with colored champagne.""
"How my son was conceived. I'm in a wheelchair."