"I told someone i [was intimate with] their mom and they said “no wonder I’m so ugly” respect. He roasted himself to make a godly roast to me."
"I have long hair and am a dude, of course there is all the unoriginal "girl haha" or "hippie/stoner" comments, but once in drama a kid walked up to me and said "hey Ashton how were the rapunzel tryouts?" And I f*****g lost it. 10/10 original and funny."
"My dad used to tell me:*You're not useless, son - you can always be used as a terrible example.*."
"Still a virgin?"
"No, go ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister you moron."
"Wait 9 months".
"I am a dude who's only 5'2". A girl in high school once asked me if I wanted to go *up* on her."
"Heard some southern lady make a comment about a loud young man berating his server at a restaurant I worked at."Well, seems he's got plenty of steam to blow his whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart."."
"Not necessarily an insult, but one of my buddies likes to give people a hard time and our waiter in the restaurant in Nashville was named Richard. My friend asked him "is it okay if I call you D**k?" to which the waiter immediately replied, "you can call me whatever's on your mind, bud." We all thought it was hilarious."
"My friend and I did odd yardwork jobs around our neighborhood to earn money- one day we were pushing a large trash can a block from my house to another to clean up yard waste. This girl that was probably in high school at the time (I was in middle school I think) was sitting on her porch and said: “you guys moving?”Still funny to me 25 years later."
"I had puffy hair at the time and was wearing all black.my friend told me that I looked like emo Ronald McDonald."
""You have less folds on your brain than the towels in my drawer." -Random guy on Xbox Live."
"I got called a six piece mcnobody once."
"Not said to me, but I felt this instance is worthy.I was getting the sex of my child determined when my wife was pregnant.Lady that was using the ultrasound was struggling to see if there [were male genitalia] or not.She goes "I guess little things run in the family?"She said it jokingly and I wasn't offended, but it pissed my wife off for some reason and she claps back with "Nah, just no one is happy to see you."I nervously laughed to try to ease the tension in the air but it was useless. The damage was done."
"I was kidding with my ex and she told me I was old so I told her she was fat. She replied, "I can lose weight."."
""I don't want to see you anymore." Then she took off her glasses."
"I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel."
""You look like you struggle with simple tasks." That was just Trevor on GTA V, but I took offense."
"I was standing next to a friend who was scratched on the face, and someone said "what's wrong with your face?" And I said "me?" And she said "No your friend here has a a scratch on their face, you're just unfortunate."."
“You have pretty eyes, pretty lips, pretty nose and nice eyebrows, they just look weird combined on your face”
"Me: singing along to a song on the radio.
"Co-worker: "Hey, do you know who sings this song?"
"Me: "Oh yeah, it's"
"Co-worker: "Yeah, lets keep it that way."."
"I was complaining about the shirt my mom bought me for homecoming in 8th grade. I understand now that times were tight and I should've just been appreciative. She called me a fat slug that looked like a wet sock and I still remember it now at 27."
"My brother once told me he was going to dress up like me and then beat the s**t out of himself in front of a mirrorIt's been a favorite ever since."
"So I'm a big guy, and obviiusly as a big guy you get bullied a lot. The best insult my bullies ever said to me was" shut your 500 pound teletubby lookin a*s up". I still laugh hysterically about it 8 years later."
“Your forehead is practically diagonal.”
"Someone called me a burnt piece of cabbage once...My therapist thought the insult was so good he’s charging me double."
"You look just like that guy over thereIt was a mirrored glass. I've never been so offended in my life."
“I’m going to paint you green and spank you like the disobedient avocado that you are.”
"Sid the sloth looking a*s"
"I was playing a game and a dude said "I hope your mom gets diagnosed with cancer but later finds out it's nothing so you got worried over nothing"."
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nobody said they were
Someone put a bunch of letters on slips of paper in a hat and pulled them out one by one.
C - eh?
N - eh?
D - eh?